The below is an excerpt from one of my many diaries - back when i was having the beginnings of my anxiety troubles, i don't quite know why i have put this here - but i came across it the other day and felt that it would fit with the eclecticness i am trying to build with this website... if i come across as strange to anyone out there - then good because i don't care - it was a horrible time and I'm lucky to only have had a short time of it, a lot of people have had a lot worse than me which is awful and unless you've experienced it then you wont have a clue. How can you do anything if you can't trust your own mind to be correct?!?!
If however your having problems yourself with anxiety, then don't worry (sounds a simple concept from my point of view now) but for me it actually was just a matter of breaking the negative cycle of thoughts and images that barged through mind daily... I've succeeded (pretty much) in making them appear small and insignificant in comparison to the world around me. They still try and come back every now and again but i have come to spot them a mile off now and so can put on the brakes.
The best technique i found that helped me was to almost laugh at the ridiculous-ness of the thoughts i was having - its difficult to do as they tend to seem so real and plausible but i started trying to turn my mind from being extremely critical of myself and events around me to being critical of my own paranoid thoughts - finding flaws or unproababilites in them.
for me i would get (and still do) sudden looping images of gruesome or dangerous things happening to me or my friends, normally triggered by an idea, comment or thought. Either that or they would be short snippets of what i had just done, some interaction with someone, and my brain would watch and re-watch, analyse what i did over and over again to make sure it was correct - i could bring back events that happened hours ago and be worried about that fact that i might have done something so miniscule wrong...
These images would continue to worsen unless i took my mind off them - and they were normally so strong that i would end up flinching, closing my eyes and talking to try and avoid them as if they were occurng in-front of me (for the gruesome ones) or find myself re-enacting my part of the situation without meaning to (for the replays) and have to suddenly stop myself and hope no-one noticed.The only way to block them out was to actually keep my eyes closed and really concentrate on something else that took up a lot of thought (eg. coding problems or maths) as normally looking around triggered more ideas along the same theme.
The problem with that method was I couldn't do this without actually making it blatantly obvious to an onlooker and looking very odd in the process - so when i was out in public I'd have to put up with the thoughts that while they were left to run riot made me steadily more and more paranoid and anxious; and once i started getting anxious the physical symptoms made things worse and added to the worry until i had to go home or find a quite spot somewhere and calm down.
Other things that would occur would be constant loops of words or sentences (normally song lyrics or negative words) going over and over in my head - not allowing me to think properly, frustrating me, and so causing me to make mistakes and so cause myself embarrassment and again anxiety. And then there was just the basic worry about all the things wrong with me (symptoms of anxiety don't help) and why i do these things that i do, and what was going to happen if i did something slightly risky, or trying to pre-guess every outcome of a situation until my head hurt. catch 22 explains it very nicely - its a whirlpool of thoughts and you are getting sucked into the middle with no hope of escape because the tool you are using to escape with is what is causing the problem.
Wow, ok didn't mean to write this much... i guess it must have effected me quite a bit! (sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)
d i a r y - e n t r y
I find myself getting more and more scared of people - even my friends, i just can't relax when I'm around anyone. I think its keeping me constantly stressed which can't be good - i don't know why I'm scared & paranoid. I just find myself worrying the whole time about what others are thinking and what might happen - i never use to care about image at all. why else do you think i dress like i do :)
but its more than just worrying about how i look - its more about how i come across to people and whether or not they think (and so) i am a nice person. i don't think that i am anymore - i think I've gone too strange for most people. i can't seem to fit in to situations like i used to - i find myself more feeling alone when I'm in groups.
Writing this is helping though which is good (writing about stuff tends to for me) so at least that hasn't changed at all. i just really want to chill out more - be more sure of myself and not think that everything i do is odd and that i should be laughed at for it. basically I've lost all perspective on my own appearance to others - and i forgotten how you are supposed to behave.
its an annoying circle (isn't everything) that i have to break - i reckon i would if i found someone (special) as it were. but i don't think that's going to happen with my current confidence levels. so i have to work something out - and don't worry - i will (not going to give up that easily)... just need some time and ideas :)
Actually all i have to do is wait for one of those days where randomly i feel really confident and powerful, and then just use it to good effect. and try and ignore the down days :P i don't care if people would say - what have you got to be down about - i am down, i don't exactly know why but its got something to do with not feeling i have a real purpose, and i don't' care if everyone feels that way - i know that that is not how people are supposed to feel... so i am allowed to complain (a bit) i mean i hardly complain about anything as it is so I'm allowed at least sometimes! sorry.
I just need to break these negative thoughts... be happy for being the me that i am. Me, Myself and I